HELP FOR NONPAGAN FAMILY MEMBERS & FRIENDS

Destinova
May 2001

Hi. I'm going to make a great big leap in the very beginning of this article and assume that the reason that you're reading it is because someone very close to you has suffered the devastating loss of their child. I will further conclude that the parents or family who are suffering this loss are pagan (Wiccan, Druid, Asatru, Eclectic, etc.). Either you have just learned about their spiritual path or you already knew but don't know how it applies to the current situation.

Wow. I can just see the heads spinning out there in Readerland. At a time like this who needs any more crisis, right? Well, let's not let it be a crisis then.

There are as many ways to grieve as there are drops of water in the sea. There is more sorrow in the hearts of your loved ones this minute than any man or woman on Earth should be allowed to bear, regardless of the considerations of their faith. You have the power to choose to be supportive of them in their time of need, even though you're probably feeling shocked and hurt yourself. If the parents of the lost child are pagan then I want to assure you of something, having been there myself. Although your pagan family members may grieve and say goodbye differently, the depths of their loss and the sincerity of their despair could not be any less than any other parent. If you truly honor them then you are now standing at a watershed moment in your life and theirs. Enact that honor. You won't get to do this test again if you don't pass it. I ask you now to support them as closely as one drop of the sea enfolds and supports another.

Now if you want to learn about Wicca or Druidism there are literally hundreds of websites that you can go to for information, so I'm not going to go into explaining all the different traditions, practices, and flavors. I'll go so far as to recommend witchvox.com and leave the matter there.

What I do want to do is offer some general understanding to help make a difficult time for you and your loved ones a little less tense, if you're willing.

Not all, but most people in this country have been brought up with the Bible based belief that their own church/temple/order's way of relating to the Divine Creator is pretty much the only "right" way. For many, something as different from their own spiritual experience as Wicca can seem strange, perhaps even a little frightening. Well, we all know that people tend to fear the unknown. In order to push aside that "it's all strange and unknown to me" feeling for you, (without judging theologies), I am going to quote and answer some of the most often heard questions.

Why can't you have a normal funeral?
This is normal, for them. You are not the arbiter of their spirituality. Please think about this; you are dealing with grown people. Quite often pagans do have separate ceremonies for their families and their spiritual communities in an effort of getting along with relatives. But where this is not unusual in rites of passage such as marriages or coming of age, it cannot be done at a funeral. Here there is not the Time or desire (nor strength!) to have more than one Final Farewell.

What's with those robes and things? Funerals are supposed to be serious! I feel like I'm at a Renaissance Fair!
In a majority of pagan faiths special clothing is worn for spiritual celebrations or ceremonious occasions. It helps to bring on a certain frame of mind that you'll know you want to have when you're wearing those particular garments. Kind of like what my granddad used to call his "Sunday go to meeting clothes" which were worn at no other time of the week unless there was a momentous occasion. The habit of putting them on would help stimulate in him attitudes of reflection, openness, and godliness. The same principle is in effect here. It also conveys respect for those who have just lost someone so dear.

Who are all these Gods and Goddesses my loved ones are going on about?
In most forms of modern paganism the choice of which face of god/goddess a person chooses to relate closely with is an intensely personal one. It is also very revealing of the individual as people often choose patron deities that reflect their own strengths and needs. You can learn a lot about a person by learning about their god or goddess. If you have a personal relationship with your god, please understand that your bereaved loved ones have just as close and personal a relationship with their god or goddess. They need to see a reason, seek understanding, to look upwards and inwards for their divine comfort right now. Please remember to give them the respect that you would expect them to show to you, if the sad circumstances were reversed and they were coming to your church or temple. Asking for informational sources about these Gods or Goddesses is not going to get your head bitten off, either. So it's okay to ask.

What if they ask me to do something I think is dumb. Do I have to do it?
No, of course not. So long as your presence is supportive and open then most pagan groups (and grieving parents) will be sensitive to your comfort level. If you want to stand in the Circle or outside, sing or not sing, it matters not one bit. No one will take your participation - to the level of your comfort - as an insult. If a conflict of desires comes up, just say something like "Honey, I can go this far with you but no farther for right now." Most likely they'll interpret your acceptance by your supportive presence, and be quite happy with that.

What's all this heathen gabbling and pointing about? Why can't they just stay in one place and get on with the services?
Well, my brush is getting a bit broad here, but I can paint most pagan groups as performing their celebrations and ceremonies "in the round" like Shakespeare did his famous plays in the Globe Theatre. Seldom are they static affairs, pagans preferring to have a flowing movement that will often surround the participants completely. You might be more used to pews and kneelers but most pagans are much more active in their worship. It is merely a way of expressing our inner selves in a more three dimensional way.

I just can't seem to say anything right!
Well, funerals tend to stress everyone directly involved to "the Nth degree," as my grandma used to say. Sometimes even beyond their ability to cope. People who are distraught already just don't have large reserves of calm patience just for provocative relatives. In plain and simple language, friends, if you dog them about their religions beliefs by pointing out how different yours are - or how you think theirs should be, - well, no, nothing you say is going to come across as caring or supportive.
If your own faith allows you to be sufficiently charitable I can suggest this approach to making communications less volatile, but it might mean a little sacrifice on your part. Just admit it to them, calmly, and request a little support for yourself from them.
"Sweetie (or Son), I can't seem to say anything right. I want to, though, because if I don't, how can I be here for you? Just tell me what I can do or say to make things a little less frantic for you right now."
Listen closely to what is said.
Then, and this is important, go do that thing without question. Come back after it's done and thank the grieving parent(s) for showing you how to help. Finding an effective way to help beats the tar out of letting a cycle of stressed and hurting words continue onward.

I dearly hope that some of these suggestions are of use to those I intend to benefit by them. It can be hard enough to deal with your feelings for a loved one who has chosen a different expression of spirituality. The sad occasion of a death in the family, especially an infant or child, is a most inopportune time for ironing out any conflicts surrounding faith or religion. Grieving people need no more stress, pain, or alienation from the living at such a time. Only the selfishly cruel would force it upon them.

Well, I have set out what I intended to do now. I know I've spoken very plainly, even bluntly in places but this was for a reason. If you are one of those wonderful folks who would have gotten it with the merest of gentle hints, my apologies for the bluntness. If you are one of the other wonderful group of people with a heart full of wanting to be supportive but no clue as to how to start the process then this was for you. If you "got it" as a result of reading this, then it was worth it to me. Goodness knows that the pagan family you wish to offer comfort to with think it was worth it too.

I bless you each in your loss, for I know that healing will come even if you cannot see that far horizon right now. I bless you that wish to support your dear ones in their darkest of nights. I bless each of you who is willing to lose your fear of the unknown for the sake of love.

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