 | I don't want to close my eyes I don't want to fall asleep Cos I'd miss you, baby And I don't want to miss a thing - Aerosmith |
On 7 March 2000, I awoke to a nightmare -- my baby son Wel, who had been sleeping in my arms, was not breathing.
Wel's dad performed CPR while I called 911, and shortly the house was filled with paramedics and police officers. I was running to get the diaper bag, to get ready to go to the hospital, when a lady paramedic grabbed my arm and said to me the most horrible, awful words I have ever heard in my life:
"Ma'am," she said, "your baby has been dead for several hours. There is nothing we can do."
Soon a lady from APD Victims' Services was holding my hand and telling me we would have to go to the police station and talk to a homicide detective. Fortunately Wel's dad is a police officer himself, and assured me this was normal procedure.
So I went to the police station downtown, and spent an eternity staring at the floor while I told Detective Gonzales the events of the morning and the previous night. At the end of the interview, the detective looked at me and said gently:
"I just want you to know that the preliminary findings are in from the Medical Examiner's Office, and they have determined that the cause of death was SIDS. There was nothing you could have done."
Losing a child in this way, especially one so young and healthy (Wel was two days away from being three months old, and had been declared a perfect baby by every doctor who ever saw him), is like a shotgun blast through the heart, and then a cold, cold wind begins to blow through the hole, and then your arms begin to ache, because they are so, so empty.
I began to look on the Net for resources, articles, support from other parents who had gone through this hideous experience, and although I found many, they were mostly geared toward xians. That is why I have decided, in memory of my beautiful, sunshiny Sagittarian kittyboy, to create a set of pages for pagan parents who have also lost their children, and for those close to them.
These pages will be slow in growing, because my grief will only allow me short periods before working on it becomes too painful. But it will grow, and although I have only empathy and no answers, I hope that someone will be helped by it.
Silver
Egil's Lament | Stefan's Story
Rituals | Helping | Celebrating Wel's Life | Poetry | Lyrics | Links