AFTER THE FALL
Silver


My best friend is about to have another baby. I should be ecstatic.

Erin is a great mother. Her son, David, is a beautiful boy, well-behaved, well-adjusted, and a tribute to his parents.

We had her baby shower last week, or the week before, I can't really remember - I was supposed to be one of the hostesses, but couldn't handle it. So I showed up early and made sandwiches and arranged the table and made the punch. That was all I was capable of doing. What kind of friend am I?

How could I let her down like this?

The truth is, Erin's children mean as much to me as my own - and I am afraid. I am afraid to hug David. I am afraid to pick up her new son when he is born. I feel like I have the Touch of Death.

I feel uncomfortable in a gathering of mothers - a place where I used to feel an eminent sense of belonging.

And all I can think of is this old song by Journey:

Can't stop falling Heartaches calling Finds you after the fall Saints or sinners Take no prisoners What's left After you fall No, not much, no...

My older boy is my most precious treasure... and that is what I hold onto.

But still, I am afraid - how can I ever, ever hold a baby in my arms again, without this consuming fear?

How can I take the Blessed title of Mother, when I let my child die?

People tell me that these fears and doubts are false... and yet every time I see a newborn, I think, "Stay away, lest you cause that child harm."

Life after SIDS is not easy, and I feel so alone.

I created this site to help others, and I know this article is not helpful - but right now my soul cries out for release, for somewhere to express the incredible grief and sadness I feel, not only for my son, but for the happiness robbed from my life afterward - sometimes I wonder if I will ever, ever be able to enjoy the miracle of birth again.

Please pray, to whatever gods you worship, that I will.



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